A mix of emotions...

Missing sumone can 6e one of the 6st feelings if after all de wait u meet dem,..6ut wat if not...
sumtyms i wonder..y god does this 6ring ppl into life and take dem 6ack like hw he 6rought dem...
its 6een more dan a couple of days that i have terri6ly 6een missing ppl..to make it worse i am almost alone out here in dis city of raipur..and 6loddy damn my project is getting over..around 20 days nw..my project has only 6een everythn fr me..no food..sleep..no hanging out ..just just sincerly doing project..in midst dos memories come in and go out to worsen my frustration..if i thnk to sit and cry..i am made aware dat ...no tym fr all dat..

This project of mine has only showered me wid losses...could spend de quality time i wanted to spend wid dos ppl who mattered a lot to me..made my colg life so wonderful..dat i would like to keep all dos moments safe wid me..

I couldn spend prper tym wid my parents and sis at raipur wen de came here

Missed de long yearned trip to jamshedpur..(XLRI campus..)

And still sitting and trying to regret y y i took dis descision...realising i do not have tym even fr dat..

God u arent at all fair..u spoiled all my plans of enjoying my days at raipur..after de last sem exams..

Again 6laming god is so stupid, it was a decision i took wen all warned me against it..evn now all my seniors who gt to kno who my project guide was..y dat descission...yet i have nothn more to say dat it was mine and solely my dicision, and not evn dat i dint have any option..i could have got any proff as my giude , 6ut i wanted to chose him as my guide,..de strictest..de most 6usiest...and i do not actually regret it..its just my frustration dat i am stuck up missing ppl plus not getting to go hme...

Still hoping fr all de pain der would 6e a gain..

thats me signing off..hopefully my next post should 6e soon ..frm home..

so i take this opportunity to say a good 6ye to de soil of raipur
A thnx and miss u to all my lovely frenz frm here...


....so gud 6ye..its tym..four years flew away so fast..

Pensieve...

"There it is Finally!!yea could say finally after a long long journey of around..lemee see..24 hours.Actually i was not expecting anythn more than a old platform wid few lights,.. i was happy to see so many ppl, lights and shops at the platform..'So after all this place doesn seem all dat 6ad..."

Well dat was dat my first day in the city named 'Raipur!!' well the question is, did i kno i was goin to fall in love wid dis place....??!!

Frankly speakin i dint kno den or even till last week, not till i found myself answering it so to a question put forwrd 6y my friend.
I realised i have grown so attatchd to de place..evn so much attatched dat i havn evn felt fr my home town Kochi..

Well askin ppl whch place is more happening ,..the o6vious answer is Kochi!!6ut i thnk i seem to luv raipur  6etter.

so dat night after i answered the questoin to my freind ..i wondered y is it dat raipur is so spcl???(to me")
could just find one answer..coz i explored de place myself...and also got de opportunity to do so..unlike at home fr everythn parents had to 6e reported off..

so yes raipur.
exploring places in rpr despite the heat rain or cold!! nothin has stopped me from doin dat..
there are many places whose memories are going to 6e strongly engraved. Also pausing  a second to think will these lovely moments ever return to my life??

well 'des' moments would never evr actually come again...
coz
1.These 4 years wer my first years of freedom from home.
2.Engg is not very highly stressful course atleast not in the first 2-3 yrs.(May it 6e jo6 or study from now on its gonna 6e really hectic)
3.i would never get all de ppl who re here wid me evr again..

atleast after de school life we knew dat most ppl would still reside der only..u could meet dem someday or the other..6ut nw dat certainity is gone..
I dunno hw many of de ppl i kno am i goin to meet again in life...

6ut the formost thng today i realise hw much i luv dis place...and every1 in my life in here..

in quest of happiness...

in quest of happiness i walked de long road...

on de way i met a lady..

dressed in pure white..
what radiance!!! ..like an angel!!..

she walked upto me..
gently touched me, patted me
and ..as if..
 all dat was not told was understood ..
she said:" listen child..
just walk on keep a smile and u ll be happy !!"
so i walked yet again ..

so i walked again..

smiling dis tym..
a swish of energy wiped over me..

dat i realised fr de first tym was wat ppl called "happiness"
i felt so lite..if i just tried flying i coud have!!
it was too good..
 de feeling of eternal bliss..
ans so i walked on...

i walked on..
dis tym i came across a man..
he seemed ??..am confused yet to describe..
he dint cum to me like de lady..
so i walkd wid my smile to him...
he dint seem to be happy ..
so i told him.."smile nd be happy.."
he looked smirkingly at me...
told me "hey u tiny tot..wt do u thnk??
smiling is just a mask..smiling nvr can lead you to ultimate happines..!!"
bewildered by de rude remark, i walked..

i walked..

no smile dis tym..
.hoping to see my angel once again..

dat was just a hope..
dint find her...so walked on..
i tried to smile but in vain..
.couldn feel it again..

as i continued my journey ..
.i met a gal dis tym..
she came jumping to me..
caught hold of my hand..
told me to smile and smiled along wid me...
dis tym i again felt de same gush of energy
yet different in a way...
i felt lik der was a meaning to my happiness..
sum1 to rejoice in my joy...
nw i tot i understood what he said.,,

"sum1 to rejoice in ur joy
dats de way to hapiness.."i learnt dat..
happy enuf i walked on..
i walked on..
the gal had left me..
but i knew wat i needed...

i went back in search of de man..
der he was standing all alone...
nw i realised wht his look had meant ..
lonesomeness..
i went upto him..
caught hold of him
and told..him..
"mite be u wer rite.!!
.i smiled all alone i cudn find happiness.."
"but sir try dis
smile plz..and smile wid me..."
he looked at me...
dis tym he was bewildered..
he said.."hey lil one..thnx indeed..!!"

Sumtimes der are times when u kno u re 6ound to 6e happy...6ut somewr happines dissapears..

though technically you have achieved sumthn you hav really wanted..logically u have to 6e happy..
y does dat happen so..sumthn really wished achived,y cant happpiness come in wid dat ??was it cos u nevr wanted it or coz was it expectd or coz u dont find a reason to be happy ..its a very clear fact dat happiness is wat every human wants(der may be exception,though i dont belive der mite be)


we used to be happy wen we wer innocent ..dat is esp wen we wer children..we could just smile and be hppy..
slowly as we grow up..dat doesn seem sufficient...nw wht i have realised so far is dat u cant be happy unless u have sum1 to rejoice wid u !!:)...still..the journey is long are der miles and miles to go befr i find dat..the ultimate truth abt happiness..:P

how the time has changed!!

it is four o clock!!!i am at hme waiting fr my lil sis to come...

ahh !!finally !!der i can hear the auto...hmm...shes back frm her school..whch once upon a time used to be mine too..

yea she comes in a hurry removes her shoes and socks ..puts the bag off her shoulders!!dat must have been a big relief..(i kno it out of my past )

derr i was staring at her alll de tym..expectin a 'hi'!! not my fault ne idiot put inside a house all alone fr more dan 6 hours mite long for dat!!...so since i dint see dat cumin frm her i took de initiative .."hi sisi"..i told her...her immediate response cumes.."hii"...and again back to her work of gttn freshend up...yea i forgt dis..as soon as she enters de tv room de tv goes on..de same old disney channel...borin most of de tyms..(fr me)...

so i ask her :"hw was ur day gal"..she says"akka..enna akka i am tired..dnt irritate me"! phew!!! i tot, wat a response!!"kids des days!! good god!!"i tought..newys i gave her sumthn to eat..de tv was on high vol...she was so engrossed in it..

der de tym went to 6 ..my mom arrived..tired and all..and my sis cumes in (de busy gal.).she says hi..mumbles sumthin and off she goes to her room ..oops!! sorry our room..(its never been lik dat since i left to raipur..i literrally need to ask her permission to keep my thngs )

der back to our discussions...hmmm..so yea..der de gal is completin her assignmnts..got a couple of tests to tackle de next day..and one recitation..By 8.30 she finishes off her home work..nw moves on for dinner and den later sum studyin and wid all d tension in her face she goes off to sleep...as she needs to gt up at 5 in de morninig fr her test visions or revisions..

so went a couple of days more lik dat..den comes de weeknd..de time ne child wud lik..de free end of de week to relax..but i cn say my sister silently dreads it..its de gal's hectiest tym of de week...she cud give evn de chief ministers a run..(nw dats a lot exaggeration)

de gal has her dance class.music class and her abacus and der respective practise sessions..huff..so busy..if not outside de house else de school keeps her..she has no tym to talk or play wid me half de tyms..wid me sittin idly all des days..i feel so vexed nd bored...and de worst part not being dat ..but de fact dat i was nvr dis busy even during my boards or even now..(being in my final year of engg).

10 years has chnged a lot..my 6 std was so simple..today i see my sis face it..such a mental toil..competition spirits range high..i personally never felt competion till 9th std..,,if dis is de condition nw wt wud be de condition den ..children nw cant afford mediocracy..rather not evn talent in all...but xcellence in every feild has been forcefully made de order of de day...

wer is de world heading to..are de children actually realising wt de are achieving or y de are doin it..its simply has become de order of de day!!

amidst fate nd faith!!whch to hold on??

amidst fate and faith...

donno whch to hold on??

one has been der wid u all de years...,

the other taken u through the years..

sometimes ur mind wavers where to hold on..

to de one whch helped to face the fate ...

or dat which took u forward despite ur ill faith..

dat is game played nd rejoiced by dem...both fate and faith..

....

strange though..both nevr lik to walk beside u togter

wen one holds u tight de other mocks at u ,

but its paradise wen both walk toghtr...

like u could ask fr nothin more...

.....

stilll confused as wat to do...

i called my best freind, "de 'faith'".

he told me to catch hold of him tight..

the said "de rest is for me to fight!"

....

my best friend trusted my fate ..

just as hw i trusted my faith...

faith he tought me hw to trust my fate..

and so i waited for fate to prove me rit to trust my faith..

a few mins out of de v typical day!!:P

had a remarka6le experience today...which inturn strengthned my 6elief in de supreme almighty..

today at one point i had a feeling how could thngs go so weirdly complicated??dat everythn u come across goes wrong!!

i walked on..still hoping against de last 6it of hopes..hoping some miracle to happen out of de 6lue..

i walked alone...hoping sum1 wud find me...der..hoping fr a company to walk along..even if a silent journey...

i walked on..der was my destination..wer i go almost everyday lately..i wasn al6e to control my overwhelming emotion...i was in tears..6efr my lord...yes i was in de temple..der..i was taking my 'pradakshina'(de clockwise round u tak at de temple)..der lik i dunno was she an angel or god himself..most of u mite thnk am mad..to 6e so stupid to say such stuffs...6ut den who ever she was called to me.,from where she was sitting..."6eta kya hua"???"why are u crying"....der wer many ladies sitting 6y her side..de wer all der fr 6hajans... She made me sit 6eside her talkd fr sumtym..told me dat der all are der fr me...gods great!!really!!..i felt a v strong feeling of strength..sitting in front of god almighty...

i sat wid dem fr sumtym..unke 6hajan thoda sa main hi shamil ho gayi...den after sumtym i left de temple...

so again i walked on..still alone..6ut dis tym i felt der ws sum1 wid me..6ut inside....i was strengtened in my 6elief dat god is grt!!and he never leaves..ppl hu trust him,surrender to him..

....luv u god!!!thnx!!fr eing der fr me today and alwz(hoping )

...untitled again!!

he lay wide awake,
those thoughts kept him awake,
finally it would happen
the long awaited one
for days,months,years,
he had been there wid tears
he had been there
in the dark gloomy world
in de one wer he dint belong


he had been waiting for this day,
dis moment...
he could feel the rush of blood in him
his heart beating fast
der was no light in ther
in the dark world wer he lived
but he could see a ray of light
finally his life had brightened

far away in the dark
he could here distant voices...
he listened carefully..
he could hear voices within him..
they were laughing,crying,all exited
they wer discussing,,,,
he said-shhh!!not this loud
there is still sum more tym left..
he looked out
der was nthn in front of him
but he could see
a colourful life,
a wonderful wife,
waiting for him to come
him to be there

it had been days,months,years
he had lost the track of time..
but today he knew...
the time had come
he could see them waiting..
their arms wide open
for a loving hug..
for a loving touch


his past was bitter
but his present better
and there was a knock,
soon it was time,
the sun had risen
he stood there lookin around
a last look at his life of 15 yrs
he bid dem goodbye
and they bid dem good luck
lookin ahead never to look back
he walked
he walked into
his new life of freedom..--harshu(june 2008)